It always makes me laugh when this meme pops up on a friend’s FB profile pic, but this week it became all too clear how my opposite thinking was affecting my life. Someone said something at work that totally upset and annoyed me. But you know what? It did make me finally reflect on “things” (whatever that means). I realized today that I have been running around worrying about what everyone else says I should do and what everyone else thinks and I haven’t been trusting my own judgement or my own ability one bit. And the only person that affects negatively is me.
One of the reasons that I often over-ate and over-drank (secretly and not) was because I doubted my own intelligence, strength, and likeability. Of course, there were periods in my life when that self-doubt and lack of confidence dimmed and faded into the background, but it always remained inside me. My main way of comforting that self-doubt was to eat or drink until I was too numb to care about it any more. Then I would try to increase my likeability by making myself seem “indispensable” to people, which sometimes meant I did things I didn’t want to do or think were the right course of action. Instead of doing what was right or what was right for me, I nodded my head yes and kept my mouth shut.
Spending a lot of time in treadmill confessional (yes, it is an actual activity) with Trainer Guy helped me work through a lot of that crap, but of course you can’t undo a lifetime of bad habits in a few months. So it was likely I would have a backslide, but I guess I just didn’t realize it would affect my whole lifestyle- family life, diet, exercise, work, everything. I haven’t been able to find the strength within or the confidence in myself to even be myself.
Now that I have realized what has been going on in my own head, I am not going to allow it to happen anymore. I am going to be myself first, trust my own decisions, use my own gifts, and take care of me and my own first. Self-doubt will not be tolerated. Because maybe haters are gonna hate, but I am going to love myself first!